At Slacktivist Fred Clark discusses the importance of distinguishing between the system of oppression and the people serving the system. Yes, they’re complicit in the system’s evil; no, they will not want to admit it; the system hurts them too; and we shouldn’t forget they’re still human and try to reach them, even if they don’t extend that grace to others. In the words of Andrea Dworkin, writing about rape: “Have you ever wondered why we are not just in armed combat against you? It’s not because there’s a shortage of kitchen knives in this country. It is because we believe in your humanity, against all the evidence.”
Looking at misogyny and patriarchy it’s easy to see the logic of this. As The Mask You Live In says, trying to conform to stereotypical masculine standards is brutal for many men: never show emotion, never be soft, never cry, etc. (Don McPherson makes similar points in You Throw Like a Girl). Trying to be a Real Man can strangle someone’s soul and cut them off from stuff they’d really like to do (i.e., anything that would be considered too girly or wimpy). Participating in torture and war crimes can warp people’s moral perspective and gut them from the inside out.
One can also look at the countless “ex gays” who’ve come out as “no, I never stopped being gay” but put on a show to conform to their religion. Or the people who “never imagined the leopard would eat their face.”
The argument isn’t new — I covered similar ground in a post back in 2017. And I agree with Clark that the big problem is few people working the gears of the machine — patriarchy, white supremacy, fascism — think of themselves as prisoners or cogs in a wheel. They identify with the system because it gives them something. Slave-owners saw themselves as benefiting from the system they supported, something that made them proud to be white, superior to the black lower orders. Patriarchy limits men’s choices and makes them stupider, but it still offers them a good deal, at least theory: a woman to clean up after men, raise the kids, provide men with sex. And if women don’t like the way they’re treated, big whoop — success and approval in patriarchy are more likely to come from other men.
And at some point, worrying about redeeming the oppressor is less important than stopping the oppression (I don’t think Clark would disagree). It’s something I’ve blogged about before, the assumption that it’s women’s responsibility, particularly feminists to show men a better path. As Dworkin says, “We do not want to do the work of helping you to believe in your humanity. We cannot do it anymore. We have always tried. We have been repaid with systematic exploitation and systematic abuse. You are going to have to do this yourselves from now on and you know it.”
The wife in this gushing WaPo profile feels very much like someone trapped in an oppressive system of values — she and her husband want 10 children and Mom declares herself happy to die in labor shooting for that endgame (I do support her right to make that choice, of course). The writer assures us these Trumpers “don’t glorify “traditional” gender roles, nor do they think immigration, pro-family policies or cash will reverse a dwindling population.” No, we need a cultural shift to American women having more babies! They’re totally not anti-trans, they just think schools are turning kids trans!
The couple come from private equity which makes it a lot easier to afford their large batch of kids. Do they have a way to make it affordable for other parents? Of course not! Providing more money or housing is “unrealistic” and offering better parental leave or day care may not encourage more births, so why bother? I’m guessing they’re not crazy about spending money to lower the maternal death rate
It’s true, even nations with much more support for parents and moms are seeing low birth rates but their solution isn’t to offer any sort of help it’s “bestowing military honors upon women who have a lot of babies,” an idea out of the USSR. I’ve got to say, I don’t see many women jumping on the 10-kids bandwagon because they got a medal but no other support. Their idea of help is deregulation: no regulations on daycare, ending car seat mandates (they claim, falsely, that kids have to sit in car seat until they’re sixteen).
And despite their disavowal of traditional gender roles (no, she likes being the one to do cleaning, laundry and cooking her husband meat even though she’s vegetarian and grossed out!) having lots of kids makes it a lot harder for most women to get a life outside the home, if she wants one. Without more help, mass breeding will indeed reinforce traditional gender roles. To be fair, they do support birth control and a right to abortion in the first trimester but I doubt they’d vote against Republicans who oppose both those things.
This is, of course, a mass of undead sexist cliches. That women have to breed babies to save America. Or the argument that if liberal women don’t have babies the conservatives and misogynists will outbreed them and force them to stay home.
This was, indeed, the idea of the Quiverfull movement, that by outbreeding the heretics and heathens they can take over. Which only works if the children follow in your moral footsteps; Libby Anne (the blogger at the link) was supposed to do that but like many other quiver kids she rebelled. It’s very hard to make your kids into clones (I’m sure some of y’all have found that out from either the parent or child perspective).
Nor do the couple deal with the fact Trump’s administration and Republicans are working to purge women’s choices now. The couple seem much more concerned with trolling liberals (which they admit to) than right-wingers like Darren Beattie, who thinks “competent white men must be in charge if we want things to work.” Instead we’re “coddling the feelings” of women and minorities, presumably by pretending they’re as good as Beattie is. Don’t worry about it dude, most women are smarter and tougher than you.
For more of me venting about misogyny, check out Undead Sexist Cliches in paperback or ebook. You can also order it straight from me from the Behold the Book page.