Saving young men from themselves

“As a feminist and a woman, it’s painful to have to thread the needle between my intense frustration with men, my desire to partner, and my deep compassion for the clear crisis men are obviously experiencing.” – Joy Sullivan

(Quoted in Matriarchal Blessing).

Once again I’m posting about young man dropping out and turning misogynist. And what, if anything, everyone else should do about it. I agree with Celeste Davis that a lot of men feel uncomfortable in an America where patriarchal hierarchy isn’t secure or unquestioned but the solution isn’t to bring back hierarchy or ensure every man gets a stay-at-home wife (I should make clear Davis doesn’t think so either). But possibly it’s more than that. As Scott Galloways says at Vox, “Men are not attaching to school, they’re not attaching to relationships, they’re not attaching to work. One in three men under the age of 30 has a girlfriend, while two in three women under the age of 30 have a boyfriend.”

As I said in my previous post, I don’t want young men (or anyone else) suffering and giving up on their future. On the other hand, we still live in a society where men, as a group, do way better than women, so the cries of “how can we save them?” irk me too. Even the guys who aren’t experiencing success or enjoying the benefits of the male-to-female pay gap still have advantages.

When TYG left her office late, she’d talk to me on the phone as she walked to her car, just in case she got attacked (I could call the cops). I’ve never worried about that. Most guys don’t. Rape if we’re alone with a member of the opposite sex is not an issue. Sexual harassment is not usually an issue for them (and no, the risk of a woman just crying rape is not the same sort of constant threat — it’s very unlikely). They can sleep around without being slut-shamed, lose their temper without being labeled a bitch. Ugly men can get respect in a way ugly women can’t. There are no attacks on men comparable to right-wing calls for women to lose the vote, lose the right to divorce or to redistribute men to lonely, sexually frustrated women. Nobody writes articles saying that instead of careers, young men should aspire to marry rich older women.

There’s also a sense of Murc’s law (“only Democrats have agency“) about this. Young men are dropping out, vaping in Mom’s basement and getting guidance from misogynist influencers (and Republicans)? Well, why aren’t feminists offering them a better alternative? What benefit does feminism offer men? Writing about podcasts by left-wing men, Erik Loomis grumbles Democrats have obviously done badly reaching out to them—as if the left has some magic bullet that could have fixed them. The idea men can’t fix themselves so it’s all on women was the topic of the first undead sexist cliche I ever wrote. It goes back much earlier.

Galloway suggests mandatory national service (not necessarily military) for all young people as a way to help them mature. Fred Clark suggests community theater as a way to build connections against loneliness — as a theater nerd, I’ll vouch for that — and meet women in a social setting that isn’t dating/mating. Commenters suggest D&D and chess as other venues (I’ll vouch for D&D too).

Commenters on Clark’s piece raise the question of what role women play in all this? Galloway says what young men need is an older men who’ll talk to them like a Dutch uncle: “It’s hard for your mom to push you up against a car and physically intimidate you and scare you straight. Moms can provide other things, but young men need men.”

Then again, if it’s men telling you how to behave, if it’s a matter of getting respect from other men, does that help them connect to women and deal with them as equals? Then again, do women want to be around men who are toxic or sliding into toxicity?

While I don’t know if this is the solution (I suspect like so many problems, we need multiple solution), Jennifer Rubin’s column on reaching low-information voters may be relevant: “reduce and simplify the values that define the party (e.g., protecting the little guy, letting you choose your own life) and pound away at them for years, using every medium available (podcasts, nonpolitical TV shows, social media, etc.). Second, Democrats would be wise to frame Trump and Republicans in direct, clear terms, which they can emphasize daily (e.g., the culture of corruption, the party of fat cats, reckless with your health and security). Each time Trump and his Republican acolytes do something that fits into one of these categories, Democrats must highlight their behavior and amplify it.” Would some version of that approach help with misogyny? For more thoughts about why misogyny is bullshit, check out Undead Sexist Cliches in paperback or ebook.

Cover by Kemp Ward, all rights are mine.