Being a guy shouldn’t be this hard

(I wrote this before the election so I have no idea how it turned out or anything to say about it. Yet).

The point of writing about Undead Sexist Cliches is that we’ve been fighting the same battles since I was a kid and often longer — that women aren’t slutty if they have premarital sex, that having jobs, even in STEM, aren’t unwomanly (case in point, these two young women) that a woman doesn’t have to be a stay-at-home mom. And contrary to JD Vance, it’s okay if you choose to be a childless cat lady.

The same applies to male stereotypes — THE MASK YOU LIVE IN (2015) and its critique of American manhood could have come out in the 1970s just as easily as the issues are the same. To wit, that manhood is something guys (don’t be weak, never cry in public, bros before ho’s) constantly have to prove and can never be secure in, so that even success is constricting. Depressing though it has plenty of discussion of solutions (A coach can make an incredible difference in boys’ lives.”). “‘Be a man’ — that’s one of the most destructive phrases in our society, I believe.”

Writer Ruth Whippman says even reframing masculinity toward positive qualities and away from toxic ones can turn out badly because it still implies masculinity is mandatory: “If we have to attach the label “masculine” to a behavior before it can have value to men, then we are subtly communicating that embracing anything associated with women is a demotion, even an indignity. “Positive masculinity” is not about de-gendering universal human qualities, and certainly not about encouraging boys to believe that they could have something to learn from women or female cultural norms. It’s more an attempt to scrub away the humiliating stain of womanhood from any trait or behavior before letting boys anywhere near it.”

If you’re a man in a conservative church, Ryan George writes, supporting women victimized by predators is hard too: “Few Christian men want to go on record with their opinions. Few of the men in my parachurch Bible study seem comfortable with my passion for the topic, despite the number of them who have daughters, nieces, and granddaughters. I get it. It puts church-going men in an awkward position.” George, whose father was a predator, has a good post on the excuses men give for ignoring the crimes and also supporting the convicted rapist leading the Republican ticket.

To leave on an unintentionally funny note, serial adulterer Newt Gingrich scoffs that “I’m gonna look for what manliness looks like, to George Clooney? A Hollywood jackass spoiled elitist? No thank you. He’s no John Wayne.” [Let us pause and note that John Wayne was a professional actor just like Clooney, not a Western or war hero] Because a guy who’s never accomplished anything but being a loudmouth jackass of a politician is a symbol of manliness? And while Wayne could play flawed characters (e.g., Sands of Iwo Jima), I don’t recall the John Wayne character including “gave my wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital.”

For more on the stupidity of gender essentialism, check out Undead Sexist Cliches, available for ebook or in paperback.