Crowd Scene (#SFWApro)

So I read the first couple of chapters of Southern Discomfort to my writers’ group Tuesday and the feedback was, as usual, very helpful on everything from 1970s word use to bomb-making.
One criticism that came up over and over was that it was hard to follow because I throw so many characters at them, with very little to situate them other than what they’re doing at the second they appear (Maria’s on a bus traveling to Candleston, Mark’s driving in his car, Gwalchmai’s blowing stuff up). And I jump scene to scene and time to time a lot which makes it hard to follow (of course, that’s partly because I’m reading aloud so there’s none of the white space or other visual scene breaks) Also that it’s hard to figure out who the focal character is going to be.
I think they may have a point. It may be that as a lifelong comics reader, I don’t find it startling to open something new and be confronted with an array of characters in media res. Of course, starting off in the middle of things is often recommended as a way to hook readers and CJ Cherryh is notorious for providing minimal backstory or explanation. But of course, I’m not CJ Cherryh. And just because it’s a recommended tactic doesn’t mean I’m doing it right.
I won’t really think about what this means for SD until January, when I look at the book again. But as I’m working on replotting Brain From Outer Space this week, I was struck how everything said applies there too.
The prologue hopscotches through the 1950s, giving scenes to Steve, JFK, Dani, Gwen and a minor villain, Billy Duvall. The first chapter has two or three plotlines running with no hint how it ties together.
While the comparisons made Tuesday were to epic fantasies and their sprawling casts, I turned to someone else: Robert Ludlum, a favorite thriller writer of mine. I dug out The Matarese Circle because I knew it has two protagonists and lots and lots of POV.
The opening chapter has a general visiting a whorehouse, where he’s murdered. The president looks at a list of Soviet assassins who could have done it, then gets a call from the Premier (a great scene) informing him, no, it was a third party, not a Soviet hit. The chapter has plenty of characters and the lead isn’t even onstage yet.
How does it work? Well, Ludlum takes it a lot slower than me. He introduces the general via his trusted right hand, who disapproves of the whorehouse but drives the general anyway. There’s tension, but no rush.
So with that in mind, I started thinking of how to do the same.
•Rewrite the prologue so it’s Steve all the way through, as he is the main character. Introduce Dani, Gwen, Claire as supporting characters in his scenes, maybe do one or two from their POV. But definitely show Steve as the linking element. That’ll make it clear he’s the one to focus on.
•Reduce the scene shifts by creating Part Ones and Twos, each part being a day. Then on each day, I use different chapters to deal with Steve, then Dani, then Alan (or whoever’s doing something interesting). Villain POVs can be brief interludes. I think that will make it easier to follow than the rapid-fire scene switches I was using before. Although I wonder if readers will be bothered that some chapters will turn out much shorter than others.
I’m also replotting, which makes it trickier: I’m having to cut some scenes that are gratuitous talk, and at midway through the plot I’m having to make substantial changes. But I think I can have it ready to rewrite by the end of December. we’ll see.