Short because I started watching the Outlander series on DVD, and had a project that sucked up time I’d otherwise have spent watching films. And dreadful because—well, just look at ’em:
Contrary to my memory, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987) wasn’t any sort of a parallel-world tale (they’re quite specific Eternia is another planet) and while I’m not a He-Man fan he definitely deserved a better live action version (even TYG, who’s no fan either, was disappointed they left out Prince Adam and Cringer). This story of He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) and Skeletor (Frank Langella) entering our world as part of their final battle could as easily be Beastmaster II and the effects are sub-par. With Courtney Cox as an Earth friend, Meg Foster as Evil-Lyn, James Tolkan as a cop and Jon Cypher as Man-at-Arms. “You are no longer my equal—I am a god!”
HOT TUB TIME MACHINE II (2015) is the execrable sequel in which a murder attempt on Lou (Rob Corddry) sends the cast (excepting John Cusack, who’s sorely missed) stumbling into the future in pursuit of the killer only to learn their lives will come to suck even worse by 2025 than they did at the start of the first film. A hamfisted, heavy-handed, unfunny raunch comedy that thinks anal rape on national TV is a laugh riot; also a lot more logic holes than the first film (how does one character “steal” a Lisa Loeb song that’s 15 years old?). Chevy Chase once again plays a hot-tub repairman, now clearly a Cosmic Person. The things I watch for my art … “Oh my god, you think everything is like TERMINATOR!”
It clearly says something about The Asylum’s business model that TERMINATORS (2009) is the third mockbuster of theirs I’ve watched for this book, even if only The Land That Time Forgot actually qualifies as time-travel. This is a tedious near-future thriller in which an android army (all played by the same beefcake actor) suddenly turns rogue and begins killing people, forcing the protagonists to struggle to stay alive, then to deactivate the threat. “You’re a good man — a good man.”
THE DOUBLE HOUR (2009) didn’t grab me but this Spanish film is more competent than the rest of this week’s crop, focusing on a woman who finds herself living two different lives after a shooting—but it turns out one of them is just her imagination.
SOUTHLAND TALES (2007) is a very 9/11 influenced tale in showing a US collapsing into a mix of anarchy and oppression after a nuclear attack on Texas, with porn star Sarah Michelle Geller (“The Puritans put an end to the native American orgy of freedom!”), actor Dwayne Johnson, cop Justin Timberlake, eccentric Warren Shawn, Miranda Richardson, Amy Poehler, John Larroquette and Nora Dunn among the wasted. This does have a time-travel element but it’s strictly appendix-material—suits me as this is both pretentious and uninteresting. ”Where in the Bible is it written that you have to have a bowel movement?”